Online Dating

It's Come a Long Way, Baby!

by Jeanne Pollock

When online dating sites first popped up about 15 years ago, only the very bravest of singles tested the waters and dove in. Some were desperate for love, others were simply curious about the possibilities of opening their hearts to cyberspace. Today, online dating has become a cultural phenomenon – upwards of 30 million people have subscribed to at least one of the 1,500- plus online dating services. What’s more, participants aren’t limited to young adults. People of all ages and generations have embraced the concept, and online dating has become as commonplace as the internet itself.

But all online dating sites are not created equal. Some are for people seeking relationships, some for those looking to “hook up,” others cater to same-sex couples or the super-wealthy, and so on. Regardless of the site’s focus, security is an issue that stops many people from jumping online. With so much to choose from, how do you know if you’re ready for online dating? And how do you know which site is right for you?

SMART SEARCH

People are ready for online dating if they’re smart and realistic about it from the beginning, says Patti Feinstein, self-described as America’s Dating Coach who has appeared in Glamour and Cosmopolitan magazines and on MSNBC, and who has counseled hundreds of clients.

“We’ve all heard the nightmare stories about online dating—from stalkers to people who aren’t really who they claim to be—I’ve heard about and seen it all,” Feinstein says. “I tell my clients that online dating is a great way to meet people, but I also caution them to conduct their research and choose to subscribe to those online dating sites that are committed to safety and attracting quality people. I also tell clients they should choose an online dating site that most reflects their personal values.”

Feinstein suggests online daters have a good idea of what they want before they start—but they shouldn’t be rigid. “A person should probably know whether or not they ultimately want a committed relationship that leads to marriage, or if they’re looking for lots of dating companions,” she says. “It’s always a good idea to be open minded and not have too specific an idea of what you think your type is. Keep your options open.”

TAKE IT SLOW

So once you meet up with your online connection, how do you know if they’re right for you? Scottsdale-based couples’ psychotherapist Dr. Daniela Roher cautions that online communication can accelerate feelings of intimacy. “Remember to take it slow,” she says. “Spending time with someone is the only way to determine if they’re truly right for you.”

Roher suggests paying close attention to simple, ordinary and everyday conversation. “It can be very revealing,” she says. “Watch and listen carefully to how your date treats others— waiters, other drivers, siblings, parents and children. The more experiences you share, the better your chances of avoiding hidden and sometimes unpleasant surprises.”

The old saying “You get what you pay for” holds true in the online dating world, adds Feinstein. “Just because it’s the cheapest online site, doesn’t make it the best. When people are really looking to establish quality relationships, they’re often willing to spend a little more for premium services like background checks, ID and photo verification. Even in a down economy, it makes great sense to invest in yourself.”

Jeanne Pollock is founder and CEO of Scottsdale-based TrustedTies.com, an online dating service that caters to unmarried men and women looking for quality, serious, personal relationships in a more secure online environment.

www.TrustedTies.com
480.289.2450

SAFE ONLINE DATING TIPS

While no amount of screening is foolproof, consider choosing an online dating site whose members willingly consent to background checks as well as photo and identity verifications. This gives you a sense that the people you’re meeting online also value honesty and integrity, a giant step in the right direction. Always use sharp judgment when meeting people online. If something doesn't feel quite right, don’t ignore it and hope for the best. Ninety-nine percent of the time, your instincts will be spot on. Be alert to the red flags that signal danger.

Don’t be a target!

It’s never okay for someone to:
• ask you for money.
• ask for your login or password information.
• be disrespectful toward you by using derogatory language or physical force.
• ask inappropriate questions, especially early on.
• rush you toward a commitment you’re not ready to make.
• lie to you about their marital status or give you vague answers to specific questions.
• insist that you compromise your principles.

Treat others with respect and kindness.

Remember: There is a person with feelings on the other side of the screen.Always be respectful and treat others as you would want them to treat you. If you feel the need to end communication, be honest, direct and polite.

Use caution when sharing personal information.

• Instead of using a personal email address, set up one to use expressly for dating purposes. Be vigilant not to share too much personal information that can reveal your identity.
• Don't share your real name, personal phone numbers, or any other identifying information until it’s comfortable to do so.

Never post personal contact information in your profile.

• Remember, as soon as you've given out personal information, you can’t take it back.
Trust is earned over time, and it’s wise to go slowly and get a good feel for whom you’re corresponding with.