The Male Perspective

One Good Woman, to Aisle 7, Please

By Steve Denny

I'm back for a second story and the people in charge asked me if I had any insights on dating … man, have I been waiting for this soapbox.

I myself am a DWM, athletic, outgoing, financially and emotionally stable, looking for one good woman. Is she out there? I have reason to believe there are probably many more men like me. It's a sad but true fact that over half of the households in this country are divorced. So more than half of us out there in our 30s, 40s or 50s are now venturing back into the dating game. I don't think any of us grew up thinking, "I can't wait to start my adult life, get a job, get married, start a family, hit my 40s, get a divorce and begin a life alone.” Nevertheless, that is right where many of us have landed.

When it comes to "dating and the divorced person," the stereotype that I seem to hear is that men are looking for sex and women are looking for a relationship. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. We are not just out there looking for sex (well, not just sex); we want a relationship too.

Here's what you may not know; after a breakup or a divorce we go through a healing period, most three to six months, some more, some less. During that time, we want to date because we want time to pass. A month after a breakup I can't commit to a relationship with you, but I'd love to go out and, “Why yes, some sex would be wonderful, thank you.”

One problem that we face as the "divorced daters" is getting to you women. I swear a 40-year-old woman gets divorced and she’s still taking care of the kids, going back to school, takes spinning classes four nights a week, and is thinking about doing some interior design on the side. Men catch a glimpse of this and think, "She has time for me?"

We've grown up learning to deal with disappointment and rejection. Boss rejects my fantastic proposal, I can handle it. You stick your buddy out in right field on the softball team, he can handle it. A woman shoots you down ... damn, that hurts. So, as we get older, the more important it is for you women to help us out, create some space. If a guy comes up to you in the grocery store and strikes up a conversation, you have no idea of the mental gymnastics he just went through on the canned vegetable aisle. "Wow, she's cute ... check the hand, no ring … careful, don't stare ... don't look like a stalker ... be casual ... be funny, women love funny.” Help him out. If there's a little interest, maybe a smile. If there is no interest, at least be kind. That fear of rejection is a powerful thing, even when we have no idea who you are.

So what have we learned? One: Men want relationships too, just not immediately following a breakup.

Two: Men want sex (oh, you know you want it too) and you women should understand, it's that whole "love languages" thing. Did you know the majority of men list "physical touch" as the primary love language?

Three: Men realize how full most women's lives are.

Four: Nobody likes to be rejected. A little smile, a little wink. (A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse … are any of you old enough to remember that album?) What could it hurt to give that goofy-looking bastard a chance?

Lastly, I checked an online dating service, and when I searched for women between 38 and 48 within 20 miles of my ZIP, it gave me more than 400 matches. Guess what—we are all out there looking for one another. As for me, I'm heading to grocery store, the cookie-and-cracker aisle—I don't want her to be too healthy. Please meet me in aisle 7, no ring on the finger, please. I'm going to go embarrass myself, I know it.